I walked into the water and went under without taking in any air. I opened my eyes and saw blue all around me. I saw my arms floating lifelessly and all I could think about is how I never wanted to resurface. All I could hear was my heart beating fast. All I felt was numbness. Nothing but weightlessness in a world of no pain, no sound, and no problems. A world that I wish I could stay forever.

well hey. sorry i didn't blog yesterday, and i apologize in advance for the awful grammar and stuff but i'm kinda too lazy to correct it and i'm on my laptop so there's no auto correct. right now i'm watching a movie called Fingerprints. it's an awesome movie. yesterday i was tanning and i'm working on a tantoo of a dragonfly.and yesterday i got a sunburn on my back, stomach, shoulders, and a little bit on my face. AND GUESS WHAT. I'M SINGLE FINALLY. god. my boyfriend used to lie to me all the time by saying "i broke my ankle." or anything having to do with breaking a bone. it was so annoying. i broke up with him and he went off on me and called me a whore. "I don't think even Janelle is as big of a whore as you are have a hell hole life" his words. and Janelle is my EX best friend. i gave up on her because at first, she got a boyfriend that is her ex's brother, and she asked out a dude named Michael while still dating him. she cheated on him about 6 times. and another reason is that when I was dating Carson, the guy who called me a whore, she thought it would be a good idea to kiss him. and another reason is that before me and Carson broke up, she started dating him, thinking i wouldn't find out. but my best friend Brianna told me that Janelle told her not to tell me, but she did anyways because she's a good friend, unlike Janelle. in fifth grade, is when i met Janelle. she came to our school at the beginning of the year and we immediately became best friends. she wasn't ever trying to get every guys attention, we just lived life to the fullest, and i honestly miss those days. whenever i think about them i want to cry. i miss the old Janelle. i wish she didn't change... i admit, i changed too, but not much. i used to not care what other people thought, and now that's all i depend on. the thoughts of judgmental douche bags who don't know what the hell they are saying and how what they say affects us. they don't know what else we have to deal with or how we deal with all of it put together. some of us cut because it makes us feel better or it just makes us feel alive. most of us don't cut because we want to die. its because we want to feel alive, and see the blood come out from our skin. it's relief of all that other crap that's going on. and you guys who have the same problem know what i mean. and you know what? most of the things people say seem like i'm not affected by them but i really am. the sky is your limit, but the galaxy is ours. i love you guys:) this was a really random post, but ya know. i guess it's helpful :)

Today I'm going to hang out with my friend Zach. I'm really disappointed in him.. But he's like my brother so I'm going to help him. I'm not going to say what he did. All I'm going to say is that he made some wrong decisions. I'm not trying to sound clingy or anything about the fact that I can't hang out with that guy I like that I was talking about in my last post if you guys were thinking that. Cause honestly, I think clingy girls are the most annoying people in the world. No offense to any of you clingy girls who might be reading this. You might be the nicest person ever. I don't know. I don't know why but I feel like telling you guys about my past. Last year I liked this guy and he hated me for a reason that nobody knew. He just hated my guts and had all of his friends gang up on me all the time and call me nasty names and stuff like that. So then I got into wearing alot of black and I dyed my hair black and layered it to be an "emo" hair style and soon enough all of the people ganging up on me go to my head so I started cutting myself. And no, I'm not telling you guys this story for attention or sympathy, I'm just wanting you guys to know tht things get better. But anyways, the cutting lasted for 6 months. I slowly stopped over the summer, I dyed my hair blue, and when I came back to school in the fall, the guy I liked that hated me? Yeah. He didn't hate me anymore. He actually started liking me for some reason. And I became one of the most popular girls in school. I don't know how, I'm not perfect. But it might have been because of my hair. I've dyed it all of the colors of the rainbow. Haha and now the underside of it is pink and the rest is blonde. I'm just waiting until we have enough money to dye it brown, my natural color, because my roots are TERRIBLE. Haha. But yeah, I guess that's it. I love you guys xxx

Well today was fun. My puppy kept chewing on stuff and I had to yell "NO!" At him about nine million times. Mleh. I don't think this is going to be a very long blog. But oh well. I'm at my dads girlfriends house hanging out her niece. If that made any sense. Me and her are on tumblr and stuff. She's really cool, she's a lot like me. We both like drawing but I mean she is AMAZING at drawing. The first drawing of hers I saw I thought it was a photo. I was really blown away. I mean seriously. I couldn't believe anyone could draw that good. It's awesome. This weekend I'm having a BBQ at my dads house with fire spinners and 3 bands and a lot of people. It's going to be awesome. All of our bbqs are actually pretty amazing. UHG MY LAPTOP IS SO ANNOYING. i might get it fixed today or tomorrow or when my dads girlfriends neighbors can fix it or until we can go to best buy and see what's wrong. Cause there was a year warranty on it but it stopped working about a month after we got the laptop. (I'm on my phone right now) but yeah about her drawing, that's it. The picture. It's a drawing, I promise. And she said its not her best work so I REALLY want to see her work.

Lonely, vaguely pedophilic swing set seeks the butts of children.

Honestly, I don't know anymore. There are so many things going on, I just don't know. People calling me names, whore, bitch, ugly, etc. it's really getting on my nerves. It's funny how my ex boyfriend got mad at my best friend because after they broke up, she got a boyfriend about a day later. When I broke up with him, he got a new girlfriend the MINUTE we broke up. He's a man whore. I just want a relationship like Ronnie and Wills from the last song. Or a relationship like Hazel and Agustuses. Minus the cancer. I just always feel so alone all the time and I just don't know what will make it feel better. Some people need to just learn to shut their mouths, I think. But there is this guy I like. I like him a lot. I think he likes me... But I can't hang out with him for 2 weeks because he's going to military camp. My bestfriend is really depressed and it's making me sad because I hate seeing him like this. I guess that's all for this post. I doubt really anybody is reading this, but you know. <3

Okay. So my app just freaking kicked me out of here. But anyways... My friend Zach is coming over today. I'm really dissabpointed in him because he made some bad decisions. But he's like a brother so I'm gonna help him. I don't know why but I feel like telling you about my past. Last year there was this guy I liked, and he hated me for a reason that absolutely nobody knew. He'd always have his friends gang up on me and call me names and push me around and stuff like that. Soon after all of that all of the bullying was getting to my head so I dyed my hair black, wore a lot of black clothes, and not long after that I actually started cutting myself. I'm not trying to make you guys feel bad for me or anything like that. I'm just wanting you guys to know that things get better. Even if they take a year, they get better. I promise. So anyways, school ended, I stopped cutting over the summer and I dyed my hair blue. I came back to school (my hair had faded to green at this point) and the guy I liked didn't hate me anymore. He was actually one of my best friends and now we don't talk that much anymore. His loss. Actually.. Mine too. He's actually a really nice cool guy once you get to know him. And he's really attractive. Just saying. ;) and being friends with him made me really popular which was fun, but even after me and him were friends I was still one of the popular girls. I don't know if it was my clothes my hair or what. I was just popular. I'm not tryin to brag, I'm just surprised that that actually happened to me. I love you guys. Xxx